Politics, Polls, Globalization

1) US Presidents for past three decades

Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush- Clinton (standing for election)

Indian PM’s for first three decades

Nehru-Gandhi-Gandhi-gap years -Gandhi (now standing for election)

2) Polls

Prediction -Result

Clinton will win IOWA. Hence Obama wins IOWA by 9 points

Obama lead in New Hampshire by 10 points . Hence Clinton wins New Hampshire.

Polls predict close race in Gujarat. Hence Narendra Modi wins 2/3 rds majority.

Globalization (in Movies)

Richard Attenbourgh makes Gandhi

Shekhar Kapur makes Elizabeth

Do Monkeys Pay for Sex?

According to the paper, “Payment for Sex in a Macaque Mating Market,” published in the December issue of Animal Behavior, males in a group of about 50 long-tailed macaques in Kalimantan Tengah, Indonesia, traded grooming services for sex with females; researchers, who studied the monkeys for some 20 months, found that males offered their payment up-front, as a kind of pre-sex ritual. It worked. After the females were groomed by male partners, female sexual activity more than doubled, from an average of 1.5 times an hour to 3.5 times. The study also showed that the number of minutes that males spent grooming hinged on the number of females available at the time: The better a male’s odds of getting lucky, the less nit-picking time the females received.

Anger Management

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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man
answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right
f**in’ number!” And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t
believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the “wrong” number
again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!”
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi,
this is John Smith from Telstra. I’m calling to see if you’re
familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed
down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because
you’re asshole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black cut me off and pulled into the spot I
had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For
Sale ” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW
asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is”, he said.
“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It’s a yellow house,
and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?”
“Don, you’re an asshole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came
up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

“Hello.”
“You’re an asshole!” I said, but I didn’t hang up.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don, and you’d better start
saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared,
asshole,” and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, asshole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick you’re ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over
right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the
gang war going down in
Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works. 


Pun on Putin

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Jokes on Vladimir Putin- Time’s Man of the Year 2007

Stalin’s ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says, “Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.”
“Why blue?” Putin asks. “Ha!” says Stalin. “I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part.”

just as Yeltsin rewarded Putin for his loyalty, now Putin is doing the same for his anointed successor, Medvedev.
There is already a new Putin joke: Putin goes to a restaurant with Medvedev and orders a steak.
The waiter asks, “And what about the vegetable?” Putin answers, “The vegetable will have steak too.”

Putin and Bush are fishing on the Volga River.
After half an hour Bush complains, “Vladimir, I’m getting bitten like crazy by mosquitoes,
but I haven’t seen a single one bothering you.”
Putin: “They know better than that”

Engineering Professors

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My best professor could also be my worst at times.

His name was S and he taught a class called Diffusional Mass Transfer

Unlike other engineering professors, he allowed no books in the test and he gave no partial creadit for setting up the problem correctly. You had to memorize all the formulae and if your numerical answer was wrong you got 0 points for that question.

The funniest thing he did (and I am sure he did this every semester) was to respond to all the shock and amazement at the grading for the first test (which was – gasp – actually as he said it would be) by saying:

Perhaps you are right.

Maybe I should give partial credit for partially right answers.

And maybe when one of twenty supports for a bridge collapses, the engineer who built it should still get an A – after all 95% of the supports held.

And by the same logic, if one engine falls offf a plane then we should give the designer of the plane a 75 because the other three still stayed connected to the plane.

Dr. S went on this way for 15 minutes.

He did not change his policy, but we changed the way we thought about what we were learning to do.

Stars upon this Earth (2007) Taare Zameen Pur (Hindi)

 

Mr Aamir Khan returns with his first movie of the year 2007 . To the un-initiated Aamir Khan has been one of Indian cinema or Bollywood’s most bankeable star, a star whose appeal is matched only with his legendary elusiveness and remarkably low output in movies. His production venture Lagaan came close to winning the best Oscar for foriegn language movie a couple of years ago.

So when Aamir Khan returns to the screen with his maiden directorial venture on a boy with dylexia and an art teacher who cures him , the faithful que up to gather tickets just as much as they would for a Grateful  Dead concert.

And to be pleasantly surprised. Yes , the movie has the standard song and dance numbers of Bollywood. Above all, it show cases emotions of the dylexic but brilliant lead actor Ishaan Awasthi ,his Type A over achiever dad, his hapless teachers and the one man art teacher hero.Fed up with his lack of progress, the sensitive but eccentric boy is sent off to a boarding school where he meets his art teacher .

 Sugary sweet at times , and almost cliched in the speed at which dylexia is cured,the movie is an important message for India with its combative competitive exams and lack of understnding for alternative careers and problems like spelling dis orders.

 The camera work is nifty , with some over use of slow motion, selective focus and sweeping shots of scenic beauty…but Mr Khan seems destined to be India’s answer to Clint Eastwood as an actor -director. Watch stars upon the earth, as an ideal Christmas season movie.