Y0K Problems

Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y0K problem? This change from BC to AD
is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left.
I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.
Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start
thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought
of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at the last
minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t
done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar.
He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus
but he simply said that continuing downwards, using minus BC, won’t
work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely,
we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again?
Macrohardius will make another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid, of course! They have been told that
all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients
to take out loans. It’s an ill wind…

As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing
upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East
working on the problem but unfortunately they won’t arrive until
it’s all over.

I have also heard that there are plans to stable all horses at the
turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try and
run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss
of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of
transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on the blasted
Y0K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further
develops.

If you have any ideas let me know.

Plutonius


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Dear Marcus,

Your scroll arrived. Interesting story you scribed there.

Here we are beginning to believe that a lot of these stories are
put about by soothsayers, who are doing multo bene, gratias, out
of the gullible masses who are queuing up to learn what disasters
to look out for; not forgetting their little friends who turn up
later at your atrium with “Y0K bugging you, gub? No problem, we’ll
rip it all out and see you straight. New double sealing on your
clepsidrae, no more trouble with time leaks, guaranteed to the end
of time. Centi libri up front of course, got to buy the materials
before we can start”.

Mind you, we’re pretty sure there’s something in all this Cassandran
hypo. I read that there’s a lot of folks around been installing soft
wares from some joker calling himself Microsophist (“ignoramus”, it
should mean, though he seems pretty smart in his way, but most of
our plebs wouldn’t know what it stands for; they just think it sounds
cute and cuddly). Some Greek, apparently (Geek? There’s a stain on the
parchment here, we’re always having trouble with trashed flies from
that quarter).

Anyway, with his stuff Y0K has nothing to do with it. Time leaks out
anyway and just stops, it’d have been the same back in 500. I reckon
this Y0K scare is just a cover-up so he can say it’s all happening
because real time is running out, the only way to keep going when
the clepsidra falls over is to install a new and bigger one which is
supposed to update your time but actually doesn’t work any better.

Meanwhile, there’s some Egyptian invention new on the scene, Nilux
it’s called. Apparently it won’t even notice when Y0K happens, it’ll
just keep going for ever. Only problem is, you can’t point to where
it comes from. You just go round asking until you find someone who’ll
make you one and give it to you. All the tabularii in togas are
throwing up their hands and asking “quem in jus vocabimus?” since
they don’t really care if it works so long as they can get their
money back, only there’s no money here to get back, is there?

Nescio, Marco, quo advenit mundus? One thing’s sure, it won’t be the
same again.

Borealis.

 

(From an email chain.

Question- Are email forwards open source jokes ?)

Ballmer + Yahoo = Google’s Boo Hoo

” I am going to fucking kill Google” Quote alleged to Steve Ballmer , 2005-6 ,due to Google’s poaching of engineers.

The following  scenario is completely a  work of fiction.kill-goo.JPG

11 Ways Ballmer and Yahoo can kill Google –

1)  Make their search engine better ,try combining the cache , and retrival queries at least for the first page, use some innovation like www.ask.com and www.guruji.com rather than pain vanilla search.. Maybe some more billions to buy out www.baidu.com —- But thats the toughest

2) Poach engineers from Google —- Thats hard

3) Combine their online ,offline advertising forces and spin it off in a different company. So there is one software company and one media company.

 4) Use Gmail’s emails feature to give more space and advertise based on email content in yahoo email and hotmail. Cross promote OfficeLive on Yahoo and vice versa.

5)PRICE-  Offer key words in a cheaper version of Adwords. Start offering an free alternative to Adsense AND SQUEEZE the long tail of Google’s revenue.

6)Use the facebook deal to sell more ads, give better ROI to advertisers, and monitor click fraud using Microsoft’s OS.

7) Buy out www.automattic.com for the wordpress and get a social community (facebook stake enhancement ??)

8) Offer desktop advertising as a freeware for some microsoft programs .

9)Tweak explorer to click repeatedly or not at all or at a slower speed on all ads that have the words ads by Google.

10) Make all Yahoo sites and Microsoft off search by Google, but searchable by yahoo.

11) Hire lawyers to repeatedly file anti trust cases against Google 🙂

Ballmer + Yahoo = Google's Boo Hoo

” I am going to fucking kill Google” Quote alleged to Steve Ballmer , 2005-6 ,due to Google’s poaching of engineers.

The following  scenario is completely a  work of fiction.kill-goo.JPG

11 Ways Ballmer and Yahoo can kill Google –

1)  Make their search engine better ,try combining the cache , and retrival queries at least for the first page, use some innovation like www.ask.com and www.guruji.com rather than pain vanilla search.. Maybe some more billions to buy out www.baidu.com —- But thats the toughest

2) Poach engineers from Google —- Thats hard

3) Combine their online ,offline advertising forces and spin it off in a different company. So there is one software company and one media company.

 4) Use Gmail’s emails feature to give more space and advertise based on email content in yahoo email and hotmail. Cross promote OfficeLive on Yahoo and vice versa.

5)PRICE-  Offer key words in a cheaper version of Adwords. Start offering an free alternative to Adsense AND SQUEEZE the long tail of Google’s revenue.

6)Use the facebook deal to sell more ads, give better ROI to advertisers, and monitor click fraud using Microsoft’s OS.

7) Buy out www.automattic.com for the wordpress and get a social community (facebook stake enhancement ??)

8) Offer desktop advertising as a freeware for some microsoft programs .

9)Tweak explorer to click repeatedly or not at all or at a slower speed on all ads that have the words ads by Google.

10) Make all Yahoo sites and Microsoft off search by Google, but searchable by yahoo.

11) Hire lawyers to repeatedly file anti trust cases against Google 🙂

A Dog’s Life:Corporate Tale

It’s a Dog’s Life-:
dog.jpg
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming into his shop. He shoos him away but the dog is back after some time. So he goes over to the dog to chase him out, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth.

He takes the note and it reads: ” Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well”.

The butcher looks inside and lo and behold there is a $10 note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and the lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth.The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes and follows the dog. The dog is walking down the street and when it comes to a level crossing, the dog puts down the bag,jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.They do, and it walks across the raod, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling it’s left leg up.Then it gets into the bus.The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt, to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, and so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver’s seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. The, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.

The dog nudges open the big iron gate and rushes towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes it’s mind and heads towards the garden.It goes to the window, and beats it’s head against it several times, walks back, jumps off and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog,kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher is surprised at this and runs up to the big guy and asks him:
” What in heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!”.

To which the guy responds: “You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key”.

Moral of the Story:

You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but shall always fall short of the boss’s expectations.

It’s a dog’s life after all……………………….”

A Dog's Life:Corporate Tale

It’s a Dog’s Life-:
dog.jpg
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming into his shop. He shoos him away but the dog is back after some time. So he goes over to the dog to chase him out, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth.

He takes the note and it reads: ” Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well”.

The butcher looks inside and lo and behold there is a $10 note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and the lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth.The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes and follows the dog. The dog is walking down the street and when it comes to a level crossing, the dog puts down the bag,jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.They do, and it walks across the raod, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling it’s left leg up.Then it gets into the bus.The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt, to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, and so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver’s seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. The, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.

The dog nudges open the big iron gate and rushes towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes it’s mind and heads towards the garden.It goes to the window, and beats it’s head against it several times, walks back, jumps off and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog,kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher is surprised at this and runs up to the big guy and asks him:
” What in heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!”.

To which the guy responds: “You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key”.

Moral of the Story:

You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but shall always fall short of the boss’s expectations.

It’s a dog’s life after all……………………….”

Corporate Success Tips

ops1.jpg 

OFFICES

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria.

People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

COMPUTERS

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss–and you will get caught–your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

DESK

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives

Do Monkeys Pay for Sex?

According to the paper, “Payment for Sex in a Macaque Mating Market,” published in the December issue of Animal Behavior, males in a group of about 50 long-tailed macaques in Kalimantan Tengah, Indonesia, traded grooming services for sex with females; researchers, who studied the monkeys for some 20 months, found that males offered their payment up-front, as a kind of pre-sex ritual. It worked. After the females were groomed by male partners, female sexual activity more than doubled, from an average of 1.5 times an hour to 3.5 times. The study also showed that the number of minutes that males spent grooming hinged on the number of females available at the time: The better a male’s odds of getting lucky, the less nit-picking time the females received.