I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man
answered, saying “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right
f**in’ number!” And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t
believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the “wrong” number
again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!”
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi,
this is John Smith from Telstra. I’m calling to see if you’re
familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed
down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because
you’re asshole!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black cut me off and pulled into the spot I
had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For
Sale ” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW
asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is”, he said.
“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It’s a yellow house,
and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?”
“Don, you’re an asshole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came
up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
“Hello.”
“You’re an asshole!” I said, but I didn’t hang up.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don, and you’d better start
saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared,
asshole,” and hung up.
Then I called asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, asshole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick you’re ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over
right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the
gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a
news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
