Anger Management

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I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man
answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right
f**in’ number!” And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t
believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the “wrong” number
again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an asshole!”
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi,
this is John Smith from Telstra. I’m calling to see if you’re
familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed
down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because
you’re asshole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black cut me off and pulled into the spot I
had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For
Sale ” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW
asshole, too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is”, he said.
“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It’s a yellow house,
and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?”
“Don, you’re an asshole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came
up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

“Hello.”
“You’re an asshole!” I said, but I didn’t hang up.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don, and you’d better start
saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared,
asshole,” and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, asshole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick you’re ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over
right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the
gang war going down in
Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works. 


Pun on Putin

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Jokes on Vladimir Putin- Time’s Man of the Year 2007

Stalin’s ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says, “Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.”
“Why blue?” Putin asks. “Ha!” says Stalin. “I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part.”

just as Yeltsin rewarded Putin for his loyalty, now Putin is doing the same for his anointed successor, Medvedev.
There is already a new Putin joke: Putin goes to a restaurant with Medvedev and orders a steak.
The waiter asks, “And what about the vegetable?” Putin answers, “The vegetable will have steak too.”

Putin and Bush are fishing on the Volga River.
After half an hour Bush complains, “Vladimir, I’m getting bitten like crazy by mosquitoes,
but I haven’t seen a single one bothering you.”
Putin: “They know better than that”

Engineering Professors

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My best professor could also be my worst at times.

His name was S and he taught a class called Diffusional Mass Transfer

Unlike other engineering professors, he allowed no books in the test and he gave no partial creadit for setting up the problem correctly. You had to memorize all the formulae and if your numerical answer was wrong you got 0 points for that question.

The funniest thing he did (and I am sure he did this every semester) was to respond to all the shock and amazement at the grading for the first test (which was – gasp – actually as he said it would be) by saying:

Perhaps you are right.

Maybe I should give partial credit for partially right answers.

And maybe when one of twenty supports for a bridge collapses, the engineer who built it should still get an A – after all 95% of the supports held.

And by the same logic, if one engine falls offf a plane then we should give the designer of the plane a 75 because the other three still stayed connected to the plane.

Dr. S went on this way for 15 minutes.

He did not change his policy, but we changed the way we thought about what we were learning to do.

Stars upon this Earth (2007) Taare Zameen Pur (Hindi)

 

Mr Aamir Khan returns with his first movie of the year 2007 . To the un-initiated Aamir Khan has been one of Indian cinema or Bollywood’s most bankeable star, a star whose appeal is matched only with his legendary elusiveness and remarkably low output in movies. His production venture Lagaan came close to winning the best Oscar for foriegn language movie a couple of years ago.

So when Aamir Khan returns to the screen with his maiden directorial venture on a boy with dylexia and an art teacher who cures him , the faithful que up to gather tickets just as much as they would for a Grateful  Dead concert.

And to be pleasantly surprised. Yes , the movie has the standard song and dance numbers of Bollywood. Above all, it show cases emotions of the dylexic but brilliant lead actor Ishaan Awasthi ,his Type A over achiever dad, his hapless teachers and the one man art teacher hero.Fed up with his lack of progress, the sensitive but eccentric boy is sent off to a boarding school where he meets his art teacher .

 Sugary sweet at times , and almost cliched in the speed at which dylexia is cured,the movie is an important message for India with its combative competitive exams and lack of understnding for alternative careers and problems like spelling dis orders.

 The camera work is nifty , with some over use of slow motion, selective focus and sweeping shots of scenic beauty…but Mr Khan seems destined to be India’s answer to Clint Eastwood as an actor -director. Watch stars upon the earth, as an ideal Christmas season movie.

A WordPress Plugin

200px-eminem_-_lose_yourself_cd_cover.jpg Wordpress.com is the world’s premier blog, as compared to Blogger. WordPress.org offers you software that helps you develop your website or blog.

The advantages of using WordPress is the large number of themes, widgets and plugins that are offered.

Thus you need not know a single line of code to create, develop and maintain a website.

Decisionstats proudly presents it’s first wordpress plugin extension “Lose Your self”

A extension of Hello Dolly ,this plugin plays random lines from the iconic song “Lose Yourself” by Eminem from the 8 mile soundtrack,into the admin section of your wordpress (http://domainname/wp-admin).

This pluign has been approved by the WordPress community, and I am in process of uploading it using the subversion /subvention system that they use.

I am pasting the code here,copy the code in blue font  in a text file, save the file as “yourself.php”

 please note DO include the double quotations.

-In case you want to change the lyrics to some other favorite song , replace the words  which are martked in bold.

This song was written and performed by Eminem in the 8 mile soundtrack, and the original plugin was created by Matt. When working within wordpress this puts a random line at the right hand corner in the admin section ..helps to pass the large amounts of  time as you configure your site.

<?php
/*
Plugin Name: Lose Yourself
Plugin URI: http://wordpress.org/#
Description: This is not just a plugin, it symbolizes the anguish of an entire generation summed up in two words sung most famously by Eminem: Lose, Yourself. When activated you will randomly see a lyric from <cite>Lose, Yourself</cite> in the upper right of your admin screen on every page.Its inspired by Matt’s famous Hello Dolly Plugin but the song is suited to newer times
Author: Matt Mullenweg modified by Ajay Ohri
Version: 1.6
Author URI: http://photomatt.net/
*/

// These are the lyrics to Lose Yourself
$lyrics = “
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out
He’s choking, how everybody’s joking now
The clock’s run out, time’s up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He’s so mad, but he won’t give up that
Easy, no
He won’t have it , he knows his whole back’s to these ropes
It don’t matter, he’s dope
He knows that, but he’s broke
He’s so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that’s when it’s
Back to the lab again yo
This this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don’t pass him
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
The soul’s escaping, through this hole that it’s gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom’s close to post mortem
It only grows harder, only grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he’s know as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He’s grown farther from home, he’s no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cause here goes the cold water
His hoes don’t want him no mo, he’s cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it’s old partner’, but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da
No more games, I’ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfucking roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody’s paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can’t get by with my 9 to 5
And I can’t provide the right type of life for my family
Cause man, these goddam food stamps don’t buy diapers
And it’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it’s getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama’s screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I’m like a snail
I’ve got to formulate a plot fore I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure’s not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer’s got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem’s lot
So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not cause maybe the only opportunity that I got
You can do anything you set your mind to, man

“;

// Here we split it into lines
$lyrics = explode(“\n”, $lyrics);
// And then randomly choose a line
$chosen = wptexturize( $lyrics[ mt_rand(0, count($lyrics) – 1) ] );

// This just echoes the chosen line, we’ll position it later
function lose_yourself() {
global $chosen;
echo “<p id=’yourself’>$chosen</p>”;
}

// Now we set that function up to execute when the admin_footer action is called
add_action(‘admin_footer’, ‘lose_yourself’);

// We need some CSS to position the paragraph
function yourself_css() {
echo ”
<style type=’text/css’>
#yourself {
position: absolute;
top: 2.3em;
margin: 0; padding: 0;
right: 1em;
font-size: 16px;
color: #f1f1f1;
}
</style>
“;
}

add_action(‘admin_head’, ‘yourself_css’);

?>

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World Development Indicators

http://publications.worldbank.org/ecommerce/catalog/product-detail?product_id=6355166&

The World Bank’s flagship collection of time series data is available for 75 $ and is updated for 2007. This is a very reasonable alternative for any data subscription as it is the most exhaustive and credible source of data.

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All the data , and all the countries !!

 World Bank data remains the most comprehensive source of independent data .

 It is recommended for all research related activities.

I quote the Bank itself ”

World Development Indicators (WDI) publication is the World Bank’s premier annual compilation of data about development. The 2007 WDI includes more than 900 indicators in over 80 tables organized in 6 sections: World View, People, Environment, Economy, States and Markets, and Global Links. How to Order

 

Data are shown for 152 economies with populations of more than 1 million, as well as for Taiwan, China, in selected tables. Table 1.6 presents selected indicators for 56 other economies—small economies with populations between 30,000 and 1 million and smaller economies if they are members of the World Bank.”